Mpofu’s Goat-Gate Confession Stuns Courtroom Nation Wonders if Apology Came Before or After the Goat Stampede

In a courtroom scene worthy of a soap opera reboot, Moses Mpofu finally opened his mouth unfortunately not to explain where the missing goats went, but to deliver a dramatic apology to President Mnangagwa and the entire Zimbabwean nation.

By Tinotenda Samukange

Facing the prospect of a long and lonely vacation in state-sponsored accommodation, Mpofu decided it was the perfect moment to locate his remorse, dust it off, and present it to the court like a student handing in homework three terms late.

“I deeply regret my missteps,” Mpofu said, as if the US$7.7 million had simply tripped and fallen into the abyss.

The prosecutor, Mr Whisper Mabhaudi whose name suggests quietness but whose commentary could peel paint wasn’t impressed. He pressed Mpofu on his earlier silence, noting that apologising after conviction is a bit like closing the kraal gate when 81,000 goats are already gone.

Mpofu, decked out in his courtroom khakis and existential dread, insisted he wasn’t the mastermind. According to him, this was “a Blackdeck affair” apparently the corporate equivalent of “the group project wasn’t my fault.”

“I had the apology brewing inside me,” Mpofu continued, implying it required the same emotional build-up as a Marvel movie trailer.

The court invited him to pour it out at last:

“To the people of Zimbabwe, I’m truly sorry,” he said, sounding like a man forced to confess that he might have accidentally misplaced several thousand goats.

Meanwhile, co-convict Mike Chimombe didn’t wait for any spiritual awakening. His lawyer immediately begged the court to disregard the presumptive 20-year sentence, presenting Chimombe as a misunderstood bystander caught in the goat-shaped crossfire.

Professor Lovemore Madhuku joined the performance, arguing that Chimombe wasn’t actually the lead villain just a supporting actor who wandered onto the set after the script had been written.

He added that the real culprit might have been the State’s own tender committee, whose failure to detect forged documents could win them an award for “Best Unintended Assistance in a Major Fraud.”

But the prosecution fired back. In their view, Mpofu and Chimombe didn’t just steal from the government they robbed goats from the mouths of the nation’s poorest.

“They enriched themselves at the expense of the fragile and vulnerable,” Mabhaudi declared, delivering the kind of line that makes prosecutors dream of Oscar nominations.

As the dust settled, one fact remained unshakably true: out of 85,000 promised goats, only 4,000 ever reached the people. The rest vanished presumably into the same parallel universe where accountability often goes.

Now, with judgment looming, the courtroom waits.

Will the pair walk out free men?

Will they spend decades contemplating their life choices?

Will the missing goats ever return to testify?

Stay tuned. This drama has more twists than a goat navigating a barbed-wire fence.

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